Becoming a new mommy was the most exciting thing I've ever had the pleasure to experience, but parenthood isn't always easy.

Since before I got pregnant I knew I wanted to breastfeed my baby, there was no question. And I also knew the pros & cons when it came to time freedom, my mental health and time with my spouse, but I decided to cross those bridges when I got there.

Welp, all three bridges came at the same damn time & I had no idea what I was in for ...

The beginning

When my son instantly latched after I delivered him I was in an overwhelming amount of gratitude. I had many friends that struggles with breastfeeding and even though I planned to breastfeed, I was fully prepared for whatever my initial outcome would be.

It was truly a walk in the park. Breastfeeding came easy to us and we were even able to store some milk in the fridge, allowing other family members to offer the baby a bottle to give me some time away if needed.

I remember my goal. 6 months! If I could just make it to 6 months of breastfeeding I would feel accomplished.

I was feeling great! My son was happy and I truly enjoyed the flexibility in my breastfeeding journey. It was EVERYTHING I had planned for.

 

 

An Unexpected Turn

We were able to pump & bottle feed for about 5 months until my son decided he was on bottle strike. Draft milk only! He would swat all milk offerings that weren't my breast. I remember looking at my stash and feeling defeated. My son wouldn't drink any of it. (I did use it all for baths, so that was nice)

I was sure it was a quick phase that would only last a few weeks. I didn't think too much of it... Until I blinked and my son was 8 months old and was only accepting my breast for all meals. (this is another layer of motherhood I wasn't prepared for)

 

It was hard. I never understood the correlation between breastfeeding and mental health until this moment. I'd heard women talk about it, but I guess I needed to experience it firsthand to truly understand.

It's not to say I didn't enjoy breastfeeding my son. I know I will think back to these times and miss the breastfeeding cuddles. But I quickly missed time flexibility, time away and the adult connections I once had. I wasn't able to be away from the baby long. 

And the cherry on top ... I was trying to work 25+ hours/week from home. 

By month 9 I become overstimulated, sensory overloaded and more tired. My mental health took a sharp turn and I wanted nothing more than to stop my breastfeeding journey altogether.

I feel like not having the option to not breastfeed was tough. And to add to that, the guilt that came with it. The negative self-talk started to consume me daily ...

"Some women try to breastfeed & can't get a latch"

"How can I be so selfish"

"This was your choice. Why are you struggling"

... and down the rabbit hole I went.

 

How I'm Coping 

I am still on my breastfeeding journey. It's a JOURNEY for sure. I take it day by day and do my best to be in good spirits for my son. I am seeking therapy to talk through all the feels. It seems to be one of the best avenues for me personally. I can't recommend talk therapy enough! 

I am working on remaining in a state of gratitude. My body is providing food for my baby to nourish him and that's pretty badass! 

Breastfeeding is beautiful. The connection is unmatched. The mental struggles that come with it aren't talked about enough. They are REAL! 

It's often said that something so great can't exist without a polar opposite. Beautiful things have seasons. 

 

My best advice 

• If you're in the same boat as I am, just remember nothing is forever. You will get on the other side of these eventually. 

• Be patience. Breastfeeding isn't always rainbows and butterflies.

• Love isn't measured in ounces. Every drop is magic. Your body MADE THAT!

• Check yourself. Did you eat today? How much water have you consumed in the last hour? 

• If possible, take some time for yourself. Even if 10 mins is the most time available to you. Use it. 

 

If you made it this far, thank you. Your support means everything to me. If you have a breastfeeding experience you'd like to share, I want to hear from you.  Let's connect!